Do you put them on a pedestal?
Do you ever put your ex on a pedestal?
I did.
In my mid-20's, I dated someone on and off for five years. Most of it was long-distance, but we had plans to be together one day for the long-term.
He even gave me a promise ring. In my eyes, this guy could do no wrong.
I never thought I would find myself in a make-up-break-up relationship, but I was caught up in the non-stop drama like a fish thrashing on a worm-filled hook.
Every time we would break up, all I could recall were the good times. I missed everything about him and little details of our interactions and conversations would haunt me as I cried at night. Each time the pain was absolutely unbearable and eventually one of us would decide the break-up was a mistake and we would fall back into each other's arms.
It was finally over for me the day he fell off the pedestal.
It was a cold January night when I realized that this man could never be the life-partner I craved.
For years I had willingly overlooked his short-comings in the hopes that he would evolve and change into the person I could see a happy life with.
He did evolve and change but so did I, and when I was ready to get married and start a family, who he was and who he was becoming just didn't hold up.
And that's when he fell off the pedestal.
I quickly wiggled free from the drama-cycle and jumped back into the river.
This time the break-up was final and complete and I had to really let myself deeply mourn the loss of our love and dreams.
The break-up healed me of idolizing him.
This time I could actually see that our paths were not aligned at all and I had been making myself small in order to stay in the relationship. Neither one of us could be our best selves when we were together.
Today, we are both married to people we adore.
What we chose to do on our honeymoons really illustrates how different our interests and personalities are.... he spent his honeymoon canoeing and camping along the North and South Saskatchewan Rivers while I spent mine reading books on the beach in Cuba.
If places were switched for either of us, it would be the honeymoon from hell.
Today I am so grateful we parted when we did so we could discover the true-love-life-partners that were waiting for each of us. These new partners matched, supported, and celebrated each of us much better than what we ever could do for each other.
But the break-up was deeply wounding, and I still have the scars.
Break-ups are hard all around. What makes them even more excruciating is when all you can remember is the good times and you gloss over the differences and difficulties.
If you are nursing a broken heart, remember that the heart takes time to mend and healing will be even harder if you stay stuck on the hook of "what could've been".
Take them off the pedestal to find your feet and your freedom again. You can do this.
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