Has Your Marriage Lost That Spark?

My friend has posted a sweet, romantic picture of yesterday's date night at their favourite restaurant.

#couplegoals
#stillgotit
#ilovehimsomuch
#newdress

I wonder how they have the time, energy, and logistical finesse to go out on a Tuesday night with three kids.

I keep scrolling, getting more and more disheartened as I see my married friends beaming into the camera.

"What's wrong with us? " I think.

Then I start work.

We both work from home and are in the kitchen at the same time for lunch. While eating, he watches sports updates while I read my novel. I ask him for a hug. He obliges.

At 2:30 pm, one of us will go pick up our daughter from the bus stop. We make sure the dog gets her walk at this time - two birds and all that.

It’s Wednesday, so it’s my day.

We come home, I give my daughter a snack, then it’s off to art class. I get back, reply to a few emails, squeeze in another client, tidy up the house, and then it’s time for my husband to pick her up.

My son is finishing his screen time as my daughter and husband get home.

I feed the dog, make dinner, we eat while watching a family sitcom, then it’s tuck-ins and sleep for the kids.

My husband and I settle back in for an episode of our show, but within half an hour one of us feels sleepy and goes to bed. The other person follows a while later, and if it’s me coming in to bed later, I tuck my feet under his to warm them up. That's our only physical contact for the day, besides the lunch-time hug.

Rinse and repeat.

Day after day.  Week after week. Month after month.

And we look forward to Winter Break or Spring Break or Summer Break where we do all the same things but with the kids around the house all day.

Maybe weekends will be a little but different, but not much.

Can you relate?

Many of us in long-term committed relationships (especially if we have kids!) find our marriages become a bit bland and predictable at some point.

We realize nothing interesting is happening most of the time because all of our energy is going in to getting through the demands of the day.

When we look around online at other couples we know, it seems everyone else is living a the final scene of a rom-com.

Just glowing.

Ugh.

The energy to shake it up and make an effort feels like more trouble than we can muster, and the Instagram selfie just isn't worth the babysitter fees and trying to figure out how to be alone together.

According to Dr. Chuck Spezzano, this is called the Dead Zone.

Did you know that the Dead Zone is a natural and normal part of long-term committed relationships?

Many people panic when the Dead Zone goes on for too long.

We start asking ourselves if we married too early, too late, too young, too old, the wrong person, or whether the whole institution of marriage itself is a mass-hypnosis designed to sell diamond rings and anniversary cards.

Ha!

You may be reading this and have no idea what I am talking about. If so, ignore this message and go back to enjoying and cherishing your sweetheart!

But if you can relate, even just a smidgen, we warmly welcome you to Monday Musings to talk about all the things that make us who we are.